Asking Eric: After parents’ divorce, adult child picks sides

Dear Eric I am a single current college graduate whose parents have just gone through a very nasty divorce As much as I love them both there is a bad guy in the whole situation and it is clearly my mother She is a achieving specialist and was constantly the primary breadwinner for our family while my dad has been a stay-at-home dad After my brother and I left for college my mother carried on a series of extramarital affairs and ultimately left my father she has now remarried to her latest fling They are even attending the same church we went to from the time I was a child I have gone to counselors who urge me not to pick sides and to maintain a good relationship with both of my parents but it s kind of hard not to sympathize with my dad who up to the date of the divorce announced he was willing to forgive and forget and take Mom back over my mom who just says she was unfulfilled and needed a new soulmate I informed my mom I demanded nothing to do with her at the time of the divorce and up to this day have followed through on that But I ve gotten a lot of advice urging me to forgive her and try to move on in a positive direction What do you advise Am I wrong in this I can t overstate how disappointed I am in my mother s choices which are altogether at odds with everything she d claimed to be up until a limited years ago Seeking Clarity Dear Clarity The emotions you re feeling about the divorce and your mother s actions are likely overwhelmingly complex So you have my empathy You ve accumulated a lot of advice and I doubt I m the last word And I m not going to contradict everything else you ve heard But I think that forgiveness is a step or two beyond where you are right now It s key to remember that parents are human that every marriage is unique and that every person has the threshold to give in to their worst instincts and that doesn t make them unworthy of love And I m not writing this to defend your mother I m referring to both of your parents Try if you can to step away from choosing sides Instead see your relationship with each parent as unique Each relationship has its injuries that need mending With your mother you re holding on to this disappointment over the dissolution of your family structure That s a major injury And I think you ll continue to feel the hurt of that injury for a long time unless you have a conversation with her wherein you talk about your hurt and give her the opportunity to make amends It s hard to forgive when no apology has been offered I don t think you can indeed forgive her on behalf of your father But by refocusing on what s wrong between the two of you you may find a path forward It doesn t have to be forgiveness But I think that you can experience more peace Dear Eric I requested to add to your response to Super Crush the married letter writer who developed a crush on someone who works at her local grocery This is something that helped me tremendously when I felt the same thing years ago as a young wife and mother who totally was in love with her husband At the time I was wholly shocked at myself and took no pleasure in my crush whatsoever I didn t want it I knew the person wasn t right for me there was nothing that explained it After researching it at the time I exposed a book titled Anatomy of Love by Helen Fisher One of the things it explained was how a crush out of nowhere is a primal experience in our brain that is caused by the chemicals in one s brain not because we have revealed our soulmate This person s crush seemingly has nothing to do with the grocery employee but everything to do with a rush of brain chemicals that happened to occur in their particular brain coincidentally at that moment and in that space Related Articles Asking Eric Friends insist on inviting themselves over for pool parties Asking Eric After husband gets sober wife gets stuck in a funk Asking Eric Casket photo creates rift in family Asking Eric Fellow girl scout parent won t stop complaining Asking Eric Friend annoyed about taking in evacuating friends during LA fires This helped calm me at the time and allowed me to continue meeting with him a physical therapist to get the medicinal care I needed I was able to remind myself that this was just a few overactive production of dopamine that meant nothing and that I did not have to act on it It was not easy but after a scarce months the feeling went away Been There Dear Been There Dr Fisher s book is a very stimulating fund and to your point might calm the letter writer s nerves Sometimes a crush is just a crush Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com