Asking Eric: Married parent consumed by a crush

Dear Eric I need you to smack me upside the head I m married with two young kids For certain reason I ve developed a huge crush on a guy who works at my local supermarket This is eating me alive I hate that I feel this way I think about him all the time he s popped up in my dreams and I find myself looking for him when I go to the domain I know that logically this is so irrational and irresponsible but I can t seem to shake these emotions I want it to end Do I stop shopping at this place until I can get my act together How do I make these feelings go away Super Crush Dear Super Well I m not going to smack you upside the head sorry What I will tell you from a safe and respectful distance is that sometimes a crush is just a crush a way for the mind to explore an idea or blow off steam The best way to get it to go away is to either separate yourself from the subject of the crush or talk about it with someone who won t judge you and can help you see what s underneath it A third option is to list everything wrong with the crush but let s focus on the first two Maybe you re just attracted to the supermarket guy or maybe there s various other unmet need in your life or marriage Acting as the thought police for yourself isn t going to fix this Could be nothing but worth digging a bit to see if there s something you can glean It s also fine to keep going to your regular sector When you do remind yourself There s the guy who I have a crush on This doesn t mean anything He s at work I m going to leave him alone Now which aisle is the cereal in Dear Eric I m a late- s divorced educator I ve struggled throughout my entire adult life to figure out whether a partner is respectful I m currently in a five-month-old relationship with someone whose company I enjoy The nagging trouble is his anger He has shoved me rather roughly and barked at me to move and then accused me of overreacting when I notified him I had no interest in the relationship if he routinely acts like that Any time he s stressed he speaks in directives such as Don t put it there or Go The day before after being spoken to rudely by a TSA agent he yelled an expletive at her across airport defense Looking at incidents like these in isolation it s easy to conclude he is a rage-aholic but the vast majority of the time we re together he s respectful and supportive My mom has been very emotionally dysregulated my whole life so I have a strong distaste for being subjected to these sudden bursts of anger over seemingly insignificant incidents My current partner and the majority of my past partners have reacted with anger if I point out that their sudden anger is jarring for me I look around at the married couples I m surrounded by and wonder if the quieter partner just accepts their mate s quick bursts of verbal or even physical roughness as part of the package How do I broach the subject without triggering accusations and anger I have gone to counseling and the advice has varied immensely from telling me to consider what I do to trigger this in partners to suggesting my partner get counseling which he will not do Perplexed Related Articles Asking Eric Over man wants to father a child Asking Eric Spouse s sister stole inheritance but spouse wants to keep the peace Asking Eric Sister fears her bullying caused sister s addiction problems Asking Eric After dementia finding friends disappeared Asking Eric Nephew plans wedding for same weekend as relative s milestone birthday party Dear Perplexed The advice that framed this as a predicament you trigger seems like trash to me I hope that you ll put it aside Your partners are adults who like other adults are responsible for their own behavior and capable of receiving feedback And you ve been clear about what your boundaries are and what you need to feel safe No one should be shoving you This isn t a predicament with your personality or your reactions This is a predicament with them Growing up with a dysregulated mother may have taught you that love relationships inevitably involve outbursts Perhaps unknowingly you re oriented toward men who have this trait And those men are oriented toward people like you As with anything else the person we can change is ourselves I write this not because you re broken you re not but because you want something different Consider Internal Family Systems Therapy which you can read about in the book You Are the One You ve Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz Lastly please prioritize your wellbeing and safety Your partner doesn t respond to your boundaries positively won t go to counseling and lashes out at you when he s unable to handle his own emotions Even though other parts of the relationship work I question whether he s capable of being the partner you need right now Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com