Asking Eric: Retiree feels obligated to always go see friends’ new band

Dear Eric Since retiring specific friends have put together a band I went to one of their gigs a couple years ago and in recent months a practice session They would clearly like me to go to more or all of their gigs The gigs are typically at night an hour from where I live I am a morning person After years of commuting I am happy to drive as little as doable I enjoy being with a friend or two but put me in a room full of people and I am ready to go home Plenty of of the sessions I enjoy are solitary and I cannot remember ever asking anyone to come out and help anything I do I love these people and feel like I have to start going to their gigs I can tell them how great they sounded And I know the whole time I will be wishing I was home Any advice on how to proceed Friend of the Band Dear Friend Good on you for trying to show up and patronage your friends and good on you in advance for advocating for what you need and staying home when it suits you When giving a performance or running a marathon or really anything that would be enriched by an audience it s crucial to right-size the expectation around sponsorship Specific friends and members are very willing to show up whenever and wherever to cheer us on And that s great Others like you might find that they re just not the right audience And it s fine to give what you can attendance at a scarce gigs without overextending yourself Your friends presumably formed the band for the gratification of playing And part of that ecstasy comes from being seen It s healthy for them to remember that not everyone they love or care about will be their target audience And that people can cheer them on from home In the past when I ve written to people who ve felt an obligation to endorsement a loved one s creative endeavors or written to a loved one who is feeling unsupported particular readers have responded that it s unfailingly our duty to show up and assistance After decades of constituents performances in other areas of my life I see encouragement as more multi-faceted I want to perform for people who want to be there and I understand if it s not the right gig venue or even day for someone else Try to address the pressure you re feeling head on in a non-charged way I m excited you discovered this and I think your music is really great Coming to live shows is hard for me but I hope you know that it doesn t diminish how proud I am And even if you don t show the best advertisement is word-of-mouth so tell someone else who would really enjoy a night out Dear Eric I would add something to your good response to Beleaguered Mom Her daughter went through substance abuse and self-destructive behaviors as a teen In her early s she was close with her adoptive Mom Things went sideways shortly after Mom and Dad left to sail around the world I worked in healing foster care for years as a social worker and project director Sadly it is not uncommon for adoptees to struggle to come to grips with why their biological parents couldn t or wouldn t care for them or ask Who am I really or Will I end up like them Mom s reference to the daughter s biological parents history of mental illness and substance abuse is a red herring Despite extensive research geneticists cannot point to any genes singly or in combination that significantly correlate with mental illness Mary s behavior is better explained by her struggles with adoption than by genetics A clear thread appears to run through Mom s account Mary struggles as a teen with adoption issues she recovers with Mom s endorsement Mom having become very close with Mary literally goes to the other side of the world and Mary lashes out at her for removing a crucial part of her backing system just when she ultimately felt secure No wonder Mary exploded at Mom for her bland suggestion that she see a therapist What Mary really wants is closeness with an essential part of her help system that helped her emerge from the other side of her drug and self-destruction situation Related Articles Asking Eric Parents excluded from daughter s th birthday but in-laws got an invite Asking Eric Friend courts danger by feeding wildlife in her backyard Asking Eric Spouse wants to reconcile with husband s estranged sister Asking Eric Neighbors trash habits cause a ruckus Asking Eric Husband s old girlfriend keeps posting about him on social media Mom could as you suggested use therapy Grasping how key she truly is to her daughter could help her to deal with Mary s outbursts and to find strategies to reassure her daughter that she will reliably be there for her Family Care Dear Family Thank you for this insight The inner workings of a family system can be so complicated We impact each other in avenues of which we re often quite unaware Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com